How to Apologize
5 steps to owning it
In a world where Asian American roles are more likely to get cast by white actors (see Matt Damon in The Great Wall, Scarlett Johansson in Ghost in the Shell, Emma Stone in Aloha, Noah Ringer in The Last Airbender, etc.), you can’t help but appreciate Awkwafina’s meteoric rise in Hollywood. Not only is she an East Asian American entertainer, but she’s an East Asian woman who doesn’t necessarily fit the East Asian woman trope. She isn’t a rail thin, modelesque, submissive-yet-sultry, kung fu fighting math nerd. Instead, she’s funny and gets to produce and star in her own Comedy Central series (Awkwafina is Nora from Queens) or team up with Hollywood legends like Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett (Oceans 8).
When I was growing up, Lucy Liu was pretty much the only East Asian American actress in Hollywood. And while Lucy is hella badass, she wasn’t super relatable to me. Now that Hollywood has just started to invest in Asian American actors and stories, little East Asian girls around the country can finally find more relatable public figures to look up to — including someone like Awkwafina.
And while you cannot deny Awkwafina’s accomplishments, you also cannot deny that her career greatly benefitted from appropriating Black culture — especially in using blaccent. Blaccent, a portmanteau of the words “Black” and “accent”, is another way to describe African American Vernacular English.
After years of being accused of using blaccent to further her career, she finally tweeted her version of an apology Saturday morning. I wasn’t a fan of it. In my experience, apologies are usually best when they’re short and succinct. I have ADHD and could barely focus reading all four screenshots. Plus, apologies that long end up feeling more like a spin (and it usually is a spin) than being genuine.
So, inspired by Awkwafina’s nonapology, I offer five simple steps for apologizing effectively.
Step 1: Name your action(s)
The first step is always awareness. Name what you did wrong. In Awkwafina’s case, she could have said “I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t appropriated Black culture, especially in using blaccent, throughout my career.”
Step 2: Apologize for your action(s)
ACTUALLY SAY YOU’RE SORRY! Awkwafina didn’t once say the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Oh, and any variation of “I’m sorry you feel that way” isn’t a real apology. Save that for the Real Housewives.
Step 3: Name the impact of your action(s)
Acknowledge how your actions may have harmed someone or groups of people. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. You don’t need tons of multisyllabic words to be effective. You’re trying to empathize, not impress. A simple bullet list is fine. Awkwafina could have said something like:
I apologize for appropriating Black culture because
- Non-Black people constantly steal and profit from Black culture. My actions continued this harmful pattern.
- Black people are discriminated against when using blaccent and are often forced to learn Standard American English. The cognitive load in having to code switch every day has harmful psychological consequences. So for me to not only use a blaccent, but profit from it, was wrong.
- Many Asian Americans look up to me as a public figure and my actions may have influenced them to believe that appropriating Black culture is okay when it is not.
- It’s racist.
Step 4: Thank the person(s) who checked you
Confrontation takes immense courage, especially when there’s a power imbalance. The experience can be triggering for the confronter. I think of all of the times I had to confront my white friends for things they said and that shit gets really uncomfortable! That’s why I try to empathize with people who are willing to take the time to be honest with me. It isn’t their responsibility to educate me. They don’t have to subject themselves to the discomfort and fear of someone deflecting, invalidating their feelings or even being downright aggressive. So I thank them and acknowledge the emotional burden it must take for them to confront me.
Step 5: Name your next steps
This may be the fifth on the list, but it’s perhaps the most critical to remember. Saying the words is the absolute bare minimum because an apology is more about the actions you take moving forward. The goal of an apology isn’t for someone else to accept it. It’s to stop the behavior, learn from the experience and try to rectify all of the consequences of your actions.
Learn about the communities you have harmed. Educate yourself. If you don’t know where to start, ask your friends and family. Research the many organizations that tirelessly work to educate the world on their causes. Say that you will never make that mistake again (then actually don’t make that mistake again).
Awkwafina could have said that she will stop appropriating Black culture and using blaccents. I’m sure she can use her celebrity clout to easily find many organizations who would be willing to guide her. She can also clearly communicate to her fans, including all of the East Asian American girls who look up to her, that appropriating Black culture is racist and shouldn’t be done to prevent a whole generation from appropriating Blackness themselves.
(OPTIONAL!) Step 6: Share your intention
Sometimes, it’s helpful to explain where you were coming from and that your intention wasn’t to be harmful. The reason why I listed this part as optional is that this often becomes the meatiest section and can easily turn your apology into a nonapology. Awkwafina’s nonapology is a perfect example of this. She could have kept it concise by saying something like, “Because Asian American representation in media is so rare, Asian Americans often look to other cultures for inspiration when trying to find their place in society.”
This section shouldn’t be your priority. Remember, the goal of an apology isn’t for someone else to accept you but for you to grow and undo as many wrongs as you can. Use your best judgment. If you’re unsure whether you should include this step or not, it’s probably best not to even go there unless you get this as a follow-up question after you’ve completed steps 1–5.
So there you have it! Five simple steps on how to apologize. Not everyone may accept your apology, but that’s their right. The main goal is to change your actions moving forward. We all make mistakes, but mistakes are incredible learning opportunities. The first few times you have to apologize will be uncomfortable, but I promise it gets easier the more you do it.
